I like trying new things.
Well, not all new things. I’m not going bungee jumping, and no I won’t taste that mayonnaise, and seriously you cannot convince me to watch The Purge.
But I like tasting (most) new foods and visiting new places and learning new things. I actually enjoy flying and I don’t mind driving, so visiting new places is especially fun. However.
I also have an anxiety disorder. I tell myself it’s not that bad, but it’s cost me a lot of things in life. A Master’s degree, I know that much. Probably a few friendships here and there. Definitely some new experiences.
Something changed with the New Year, though. I decided not to set some BS resolution I was never going to keep and instead decided on something more practical. I decided to allow myself to make decisions based on what I really want. Not what I think other people want me to do or what I think will keep my nerves in tact. So when my jewelry team started talking about going to convention in Vegas, I decided to go. And not just go, but to leave Kris at home.
It wasn’t bad at first. He couldn’t get off work to drop me at the airport, so my grandparents took me and we said our goodbyes and I sat in the terminal, watching ESPN and listening to soldiers fresh off the local base comparing station orders and I tried not to throw up. I’d never flown solo and I was no longer excited about it.
The first flight wasn’t bad. It was a short trip, just under an hour and I’d be in Charlotte. I scored a few Mii friends on my 3DS and played some games and it was no big deal. The flight from Charlotte to Vegas, though, was terrible. I had nice neighbors who were just chatty enough but once they fell asleep I got sick. I stayed sick through the entire flight.
I’d never been to Vegas either. Guys, it is beautiful. It didn’t hurt that we stayed at Bally’s, right on the Strip with a view of the Bellagio fountains.
The room was nice, the company was nice, but there’s something else I didn’t mention. I’ve never been a big sorority person. I was in one in college and still have some great friends and memories of it, but it just wasn’t my thing. So a weekend surrounded by women I didn’t know half as well as I knew my old college girlfriends was, to me, not the idea of a vacation. My nerves started fraying just thinking about it. And don’t get me wrong, they are great ladies, all of them. But to my frazzled, air sick, and jet lagged self, the weekend was stretching out before me like a long highway through Awkward Town, population: Me.
Things got better and I kept trying to put myself out there but I am super awkward in real life. Seriously. It’s not that I’m shy or introverted, I guess I just don’t like small talk or feigning interest in things I don’t like, and so people tend to think I’m stuck up or something. Who knows. If you find out, let me know?
Convention was pretty fun once I let myself enjoy it. My nerves got the best of me one night and I spent the majority of it texting my sister and a few friends who completely understand life with severe anxiety. It’s not just being uncomfortable in a new place. It’s being utterly convinced that you’re a sham who shouldn’t be here and everyone around you knows it and why are you even still here, because no one in this room likes you.
I wish I had made myself enjoy it more.
One of the women took me shopping and it was crazy fun. I got along with her like a house on fire, and I think that was the turning point for me. But Sunday was the big test. I was going to have the hotel room and the whole day to myself, and I could do anything I wanted. Part of me, the anxious part I’m sure, wanted to sit in the room all day and watch movies. You can’t walk around the streets alone, people are crazy, you’re not from around here. Cabs are too expensive and cabbies are weird. Didn’t you see that episode of SVU? Nope, no cabs. No walking, either, or someone will just snatch you up off the sidewalk and you’ll never be seen again. Better stay inside and watch Disney Channel.
But then I reminded myself this was the Year of Me, not the year of my nerves getting the best of me or the year of letting opportunities pass me by. I called Kris, tossed some stuff in a handbag and got dressed.
“How far is the Venetian? Can I walk there?”
“Sure. Cabs are too pricey and it’s a pretty cool area. If it’s a nice day, you should walk.”
“……..But is it safe?”
“Jess, yes, it’s the middle of the morning out there, you’ll be fine.”
Okay, maybe that’s not exactly how it went, but close enough. I grabbed my 3DS and headed out.
It really was a beautiful day. I walked to the Venetian, back to Caesars, to the Miracle Mile and then the shoe store in Paris. I didn’t buy much; just a wispy maxi dress from BCBG and some shoes to match from the Paris shoe store. I took tons of pics, texted my friends while I was out, and kept my earbuds in just so people wouldn’t talk to me. I don’t think anyone even noticed me and it was awesome.
Back at the hotel that night, I had dinner with the only other woman from my group still in town and got ready for my flight the next morning.
The flight home was much better, despite being a total idiot and missing my flight out of Charlotte. I got home okay, just late and pretty pissed (mostly at myself, but don’t tell anyone) and actually found myself wanting to go back.
“Kris I was right,” I said. “Vegas totally looks like a Carnival cruise ship.”